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Thursday, August 02, 2007 @ 10:12 am
today nafa.... sian... very bad

hais..

damn low nw..

everytime i see you and friends that is also close to me.. then you were having fun with them,

make my heart breaks..

i used to be like that with you too..

after the fight we had..

we were like

frenx that noe each other, but at the same time, like strangers..

you shld noe my weakest point is losing friends..

yet you choose to attack that point..

my heart really break you noe..

i cannot accept losing any other friends ler..

i am already drifting away fr my families ler..

love, i can say is hack care ler.. i dun wan to be hook up in that chain curse..

i am left with friends ler..

yet you choose to do that to me..

i am like left hanging around like a spirit like that..

no where to stop down

i really feel like breaking down...

if ever one day, i land in coma, i might be in coma for atleast 1 yr..

my mind, seriously need a rest..

it kinda boring when our life only revolves around 4 things.. which are,sch work. love, friends, families..

as we grow older, it still involves 4 things.. work(in the outside work),love,friends,families

just like that in sch life, the stress is LIGHTER! then the outside world life..

yet i cannot handle ler..

wad am i going to do when i grow older?

kill myself arh?

i really want to lay back and do nth...

both physical and mental...

my body tells my mind that

it is going to break down soon..

my mind tells me that both my mind and body is going to snap into half..

seriously, i wanted to let out all the tears that are trying to get out..

but everytime, it was forced to go back again..

i noe controling our emotions is like not very gd..

everyone will say M-U-S-T control..

becoz is like..

the emotions(e.g sad anger)

are not allowed in the cruel world..

we are forced to accept that..

i dun wan!

i want to let all out

yet, yet everytime,

i had to do it..

not matter how i wanted to let it out..

the world JUST dun accept that emotion..

seriously, i am really going to break down soon..

fr the starting of the year, my body had not really rest well..

soon..

let's see ppl..

i might really break down soon..

how soon, i dunno

today, STEP,

one of the gurl..(not going to say who) told mdm yap the prob(dun kpo ask hor..)

she cried saying she had a fight with her mum, she told her that she hate her..

she was crying..

and i noe that she was very sad and angry with herself saying that..

and i SORT of tell her that

if they had a prob, tell her mother..

becoz, nw this generation, if parents and children ever drift apart,

very hard to get back as one family again..

family = Father And Mother I Love You

this is wad form family..

but not for me..

i noe my parents and me are drifting apart..

to others, home is their comfortable place.. yet to me, friends is a comfortable home..

that's why i needed friends soo much

yet,

the friends that i can say all my probs are like starting to ignore me..

the one that i mention above is one lor..

i hate fighting with friends..

once, i fighted with kai..

i was like crying like wad?

then after that okay ler..

i always tried to avoid fighting with him..

sick and tired...

i wanted to go under the rain, to enjoy the warm that the nature give me..

everywhere seem not to be my home..

i can't settle down anywhere..

talkative.. is a remark that i always recieve fr teachers..

but at home, sometime i will be quiet quiet der..

everytime is like i get(sickness) then brother get, my mum will like care for them more then i get that time lor..

first time i get dengue, is like sort of just take care..

then when my bro(MJ) got dengue,

she spent $300++ ON HIM lor..

and somemore, he NEVER admit to hospital lor..

..not saying that i mind that she treat him beter then me..

or maybe i am

but is like, i am like so not important to her like that..

fr small like that ler..

sick ler..

my mental sick ler.. fr pri 6 sick till nw..

the sickness nv get well..

it GOT WORSE..

if you ever make me pour all out, i tell you i can maybe cry for 2-3 hrs can?

really very sick and tired of keeping all this emotions ler..

i really want to let ALL out..

but that will nv happen..

if i dun let my guard down...

the automatic shield that was built inside me, was build up fr small

when my mum say

dun anyhow believe other ppl..

no matter how much i believe you guys,

the shield to my heart/mental problems, will nv be let down..

i always wanted to let it down..

but i guess is becoz, that in my and other ppl mind that

i am strong,

if i ever let them see my weak side,

they will like have a negative thot of me..

i dunno.. i really dunno

i just noe that i want to let all out..

but it always end up...

i rmb got one time, i call jon( which is dunno how many mths ago)

i was crying..

actually, i wanted to tell him..

yet the only thing i can do is just cry..

cry and cry and cry..

i also dunno..

but if in sms, msn,you ask me to say, maybe can..

maybe is becoz i am not seeing the person.. i can forget how the person sees me..

but after i tell my prob(which i havent did so far to anyone..or did i?) i will like dunno how to face the person..

hais..

too long ler this post..

thx guys.. for looking through my craps...

xinhui~^_^V